A Whole New You ReEdited!
by Bunny-Butler
Summary: Magic can be a real pain as our boy Meyers finds out the hard way. Movie based and reedited to no longer be an unreadable block of text. Forgive my past tackiness and enjoy! *Now Complete!*
1. Chapter 1

**AN: **This is a fresh start for a story I released a few days ago. I hadn't realized that my Microsoft Works was making my story look like one giant block of text with no space at all. Forgive my tackiness. I hope you'll give this fic another chance. Thanks!

"Where's the love, Mandor," Hellboy quipped as he dodged another blow from the demon's spiked metal club. "I'm beginning to think that you don't like me." From his hiding spot behind two downed marble pillars, John Meyers could only grin as he listened to his charge's smart mouth. Hellboy's trash talking usually earned him an extra serving of…John winced as he watched the red hero sail through yet another marble pillar. Lucky that Big Red could take it as well as he dished it. A low murmur made John look down at the man whose head was resting in his lap. Skin color was returning to its normal hue of robin's egg blue.

"How's your head, Abe?" There was a slight burbling as the fish man's gills inhaled deeply from his water packs, and then black eyes tried to focus beneath fluttering lids.

"Still on my shoulders, I hope." Abe tried to lift his neck and winced as he failed. It seemed as if his eyes couldn't quite focus. "I believe that next time; I shall have to duck faster." John smiled. If Abe was able to make his usual dry jokes, he must not be too concussed.

"There was nothing to physically duck, Abe. Mandor's magical toady smacked you with a spell. Hellboy caught him with right to the jaw just after that. I think he landed somewhere over there…" Abe blinked as he listened to John's voice fade.

"John…?" Vision and telepathy still hazy from the magic blow to his head, Abe could only cry out when the blob that was John suddenly dumped him from his resting place. A blinding white light flared and the sounds of John's screams ushered Abe back into oblivion.

One month later…

"…so no jokes, Red. He's been through enough"  
"Liz, you are my best friend in the world, but sometimes you just don't know me at all. Would I ever kick a man when he's down?" Liz cocked an eyebrow and stared at her friend. "Okay, I'll go easy on him. I guess I can't call him a Boy Scout anymore tho--oof!" Despite the throbbing pain in her elbow, she'd made her point, right into Hellboy's ribs. The industrial elevator suddenly churned into life and the friends watched as it lowered its passenger onto the floor of section fifty-one's greeting chamber. "Damn, Meyers, you're--oof!" Liz was going to have to put her arm in a sling at this rate. John Meyers smiled grimly and stepped off of the elevator platform. After a month's recuperation and some serious soul searching, John had come to realize that the Bureau was the best place to come to terms with…it.

"I'm still myself, no matter what shape my outside has taken. I'm still capable of being your liaison, so things won't change in that respect." Both Liz and HB's eyes widened at the change in John's voice. Not that the change in voice compared to the change in body. The customary sweater and trouser outfit had been replaced by jeans and a simple white T-shirt. After a month, John's brown hair was surprisingly long, brushing the tops of the shoulders with its tips. Those same laser blue eyes still rested in their normal position, but were now framed with exquisite cheekbones and devastatingly long lashes. John's trim physique now sported a perky, braless bosom and other sweet curves. John, in an irreversible magic attack gone awry, had been transformed into a woman. "John or Joan, I'm supposed to answer to both."

Hellboy was pumping iron when John/Joan brought in the breakfast cart the next morning. "Morning, Scout." Hellboy had dropped the gender on his favorite nickname for his nanny, but he was making it clear that things hadn't really changed in their friendship. It cheered John that HB wouldn't stop razzing him because of his new…condition? Lifestyle? He'd have to think some more on his phrasing later. He still thought like a man, but sometimes he'd catch a stray thought that baffled his masculine logic. He'd never worn high heeled shoes in his life, but he caught himself admiring another woman's footwear and wondering if his legs would look as good in them. Dragging his thoughts back, John began to set out Hellboy's breakfast. Pancakes, bacon, and eggs, twenty pounds of each, were arrayed on John's cart. This would last HB until lunchtime. Maybe.

Brushing aside some of HB's numerous cats, John perched on the arm of an old battered couch. Despite having lived for 60 years, physically and mentally, HB was in his early twenties and decorated like a frat boy fresh from the dorms. "You talk to Abe last night"

"Yeah, he'd been worried that I blamed him for the way I am now. A clean mind probe and we're all good now." Hellboy blinked as he chewed on some bacon.

"Since when do you use slang?" John smiled.

"Since my Johnson melted like a snowball in hell"

"Ooh, nice imagery."

"Thanks."

John shifted his weigh and crossed his legs. A strange expression flitted across HB's face as he stopped eating. "What's up, Red?"

"Uh, I hate to ruin your week like this, Scout, but…Ah, shit. Wait here, I'll get Liz." John rarely got to see Hellboy move at top speed, but today, the red demon moved as if a pack of crazed post-Thanksgiving shoppers were after him. A few minutes later, Liz marched into the room with a large bag in her arms. HB hesitated at the door.

"What's going on?" John winced as a ripple of pain shot through his gut. "What's happening to me," he asked as Liz calmly took his arm and began leading him to the ladies room.

"Let me be the first to congratulate you, Joan. You're having your first period"

"Oh, my god"

Hellboy managed to strangle his amusement as he watched Liz lead away a shell shocked John/Joan. If he started laughing, he wasn't sure that he could keep them from hearing him despite the thick metal walls of his room. Liz would toast his stereo faster than he could blink because she couldn't fry his fireproof ass. Liz had suddenly swung into sisterhood solidarity when John had said she could call him Joan. It appeared that Liz had been ready for another girl in the Bureau's testosterone chocked atmosphere and she was willing to take whatever she could get. Glancing around, HB sighed when he saw the stain on his couch. Poor kid hadn't even recognized that he was bleeding. Wetting a washcloth from his sink, Hellboy turned to blot up the stain. He was floored when instead of washing, Hellboy was compelled to bring his nose in close and inhale deeply.

"Holy shit." He wasn't sure what shocked him more. The fact that he'd smelled Meyer's menstrual blood or the fact that he was now so turned on that his head hurt from the sudden rush of fluid to his groin. He hadn't felt like this since the days he and Liz had tried dating. Even then, he'd never been this affected. The wailing mission alarm couldn't have come at a better time. Leaving the couch to be cleaned up later, Hellboy headed for the briefing room. Liz and Joan, the latter in a new set of jeans a la Liz and clutching a small leather purse like it was a lifeline, were just coming out of the ladies room. "Our song. . "

Their assignment was laid out by the love-to-hate cigar smoking Dr. Manning. It seemed that a tramp ship named the Ripe Banana had cruised into a local harbor, docked, and began to dislodge its cargo all without a sign of its crew. "It's like a modern day ghost ship," commented Liz.

"Only this Mary Celeste feels that the cargo should be delivered." Abe referenced the infamous ghost ship that to this day even the Bureau couldn't confirm or deny.

"Well, are we waiting for an engraved invitation?" Hellboy lit his customary stogie and eyed his partners. "Let's go play on the Love Boat."

"Sparky to Red and Scout. Blue and I are in position"

"Marco Polo, Sparky. We'll be there if you need us." John tried to listen to Hellboy and Liz's repartee, but he was distracted by the show the ghost ship was putting on. In the mess hall, food was being served by phantoms and eaten by invisible mouths. A small game of poker was being played out at the end of one table with bars of chocolate and cigarettes at stake. A cold chill swept through John as a ghost diner passed through him on the way to the food line.

"You ever saw anything like this before, Red?"

"Nope. This is a new one on me." Strangely comforted that Hellboy was just as in the dark as he was, John smiled. The smile faded as the underwear Liz had loaned him shifted again. Something must have shown on his face because HB cocked and eyebrow and looked inquiring.

"Liz only wears thongs." Confused for a minute, HB said nothing as another plate floated by, this one loaded with cherry pie a la mode.

"You mean you're wearing…?"

"Either that or commando." HB looked disturbed for a minute and had he not been naturally red to begin with, John could have almost sworn that the demon was blushing.

"They're red too." For the life of him, John couldn't begin to analyze the impulse that had made him admit these things to his partner. He looked away for a second in embarrassment and then raised his head to apologize. The look in Hellboy's golden eyes stopped the words from escaping his lips. Heat poured from the demon's gaze and John felt it warming him in places that had never felt like this before. Silence that was becoming tenser by the moment was suddenly broken by Abe's voice on the radio.

"Blue to Red and Scout. We've found something. Meet us on deck four near the engine room."

Hellboy shook his head as he watched Abe and Liz interrogate the only corporeal being to be found on board, a rodent of a man who's whining was surpassed only by his half-assed knowledge of the occult. Long and short of the situation, Rat Boy was teased by a few of his crew mates and ignored by the rest, so he curses the ship sending the entire crew into a half dimension. The crew thinks that the port is deserted while the port can't see the crew. Lucky for the crew of the Ripe Banana, the Bureau had some talented practitioners on their side. Abe and Liz were quickly learning what ritual Rat Boy had used so the experts could lift the curse. "They deserve to be this way, man. I lived like this without being cursed for the past three weeks." Reality seemed to settle on the man as agents snapped cuffs around his wrists. His voice fractured as tears began to slide down his face. "Nobody saw me, nobody would listen. I was a dead man who just didn't know it yet"

Bringing the rest of the Ripe Banana crew back into their normal plane of existence took the rest of the day and it was an oddly subdued team that returned to Section 51 that evening. Abe opted for a few good books and the comfort of his rotten eggs, while Liz plopped onto her couch and began an impromptu Gene Kelly marathon starting with Singing in the Rain. Hellboy headed for his room probably to finish whatever his cats had left from his breakfast. Agent Clay had offered to serve Hellboy's dinner, so John decided to make use of the whirlpool bath that had been added to his quarters. Liz had mentioned that heat would help with the discomfort in his_ugh_ uterus. She'd also handed him a dose of a wonder drug called Midol. John wondered if they had created a chocolate coated version of the pills. Just the thought of the rich stuff made his mouth water. Too bad he couldn't blame his chocolate addiction on his change. John had always been a chocoholic from the first time his uncle had handed him a chocolate bunny and said, "Eat the ears first."

Reaching his room, John stripped and dug under his bed for his stash of Lindor truffles. Today had been a three truffle kind of day he decided as he snagged his favorites of hazelnut, mint, and dark chocolate. Setting his treats on the edge of the bath, he turned the water on full blast and began to wait for the tub to fill. As he had for the past month, John found himself staring at his body in the mirror. It wasn't so disorienting now to see his female form. Once he'd gotten over his first horrified reaction, he'd inspected every nook and cranny to see what sensations had changed and which had stayed the same. Masturbation had been a revelation. While it had taken longer to attain what had once been so easy in his male form, he found that his orgasm could last for minutes longer with a warm sensation sweeping throughout his body keeping him in pleasure with no end. 'Not that having a period was a reasonable trade off,' he thought as another cramp hit.

The tub was finally full, so with a great sigh as he anticipated the heat soaking into his body, John eased into the bath and popped a truffle into his mouth. Liz had a handle on this girl stuff for sure. She'd suggested shaving his legs as another relaxation technique and had given him the appropriate blades and lotions to complete the task. John was a veteran of face hair wars, so what the heck? It was just a bigger area to shave. Carefully, he began the task of denuding his legs.

Twenty minutes and two nicks later, the task was done and John was feeling pretty girly. 'Joan,' he corrected in his head. 'I'm Joan when I'm doing female things.' The therapist who had helped him begin to come to terms with his new status had recommended the new name to help sort out the dual aspects of his nature. Eventually, he'd been told, he'd become a balanced blend of male and female, but for now, it was best to be aware of the different aspects of both.

Truffles and heat having done their work, John got out of his bath and toweled off. Setting the tub to drain, he used some of his new jasmine lotion that he'd borrowed from Liz who was quickly becoming his guru in all things female. Her other scents of vanilla and cucumber melon had turned his stomach, but the freshness of the jasmine had appealed very much. Liz had explained that his previous scent of Old Spice wouldn't mesh with his new body, but he secretly thought that she just liked having a 'girl friend' to advise. Liz was probably getting some of the female friendship she'd missed having grown up with only Abe and Hellboy for playmates. Musing over Liz's childhood, John failed to hear the knock at his door. He'd just dropped his towel to pull on his favorite flannel pajamas when Agent Clay strode in. "Hellboy asked you to swing by…Oh-my-god-you're-naked!" Totally caught by surprise, John let out a shriek that could have cracked crystal and dove for his pajamas. Out of habit, he was struggling into the bottoms first when Hellboy came bounding into the room. Eyes narrowing, he saw the agitated struggle Joan had to get dressed and the high crimson color in Agent Clay's face and jumped to a bad conclusion.

"Son of a bitch!"

"Hellboy, no!" Forgetting his pajama top, John dashed to catch Hellboy before he could strangle poor Agent Clay. "Nothing's happened! I was just startled!" Agent Clay was turning an interesting shade of purple as Hellboy lifted him off of his feet by his neck. It took the sensation of Joan's bare chest pressed into his back to clear the red fog that had filled his vision. Carefully, he lowered his former handler to the floor and watched as the man swallowed the fresh air that was suddenly filling his lungs.

"Sorry, Clay." The agent just shook his head and waved away the apologies as he gulped in air.

"My fault," Clay croaked. Struggling to his feet, he grimace/smiled at John/Joan where she stood behind Hellboy. "Congratulations, you screamed like a girl." Having croaked his smart-alec quip, the agent took himself off for some medical attention.

It took a few moments for the shock of the situation to begin to fade. It was the realization that he was topless and pressed intimately into Hellboy's back that brought John back into awareness. That and the fact that he liked the rough texture of HB's black shirt scratching across the tips of his breasts. Blushing, John quickly turned around and tried to find his pajama top. It didn't occur to him to simply cross his arms over his chest as a natural born American girl would, but he'd only been this sex for a month.

Unable to sort out what he was feeling, Hellboy vented his frustration on the only available target… "What are you doing running around buck naked anyway, Meyers? That curse makes you an exhibitionist to boot? Start locking your doors, Scout, or you'll be inviting in a lot more than you can handle."

John froze in the middle of buttoning up his flannel shirt. A dull anger was building inside of his chest as Hellboy's outrageous words filtered in. "So it's my fault that you overreacted to Agent Clay's mistake?" John struggled to keep his voice cool, but his voice tightened with every passing second. "Real mature, Hellboy. I think you should leave before I do something equally immature, like throwing something at you." His eyes lit up as he spotted the perfect missile. It was a heavy crystal ball that he'd found at a rummage sale a while back. As blunt objects went, this would make a sizable dent in the thickest of skulls. Hellboy wasn't worried about being beamed in the head, but this malevolent aspect of a person he'd once called the Boy Scout disarmed him. Retreat seemed the best tactic at the moment.

"Don't get your panties in a wad," he said as he backed slowly out of the room. "I hope you wake up in a better mood tomorrow." At the door, Hellboy couldn't resist saying. "Know why they call it PMS? 'Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken." He slammed the door and ran, grinning all the way. The door muffled what sounded like a really good cursing rant. John's unsuspected talent for trash talking made Hellboy's chuckles turn into a full-on cackle.

Over the next three weeks, things at the Bureau settled into a routine of sorts with only a few bumps such as when one of Hellboy's cats defected and began to live in Joan's quarters. The marmalade tabby, a monster of a cat whose mother might have had relations with a mountain lion, met Joan at her door and invited himself inside. The cat which Joan decided could only be named something like, 'Killer,' or 'Butch,' leapt onto the bed, made a surprisingly kitten-like meow, and made it clear that this was his new domain by promptly falling asleep. Joan, having inside knowledge on how stubborn a sleeping male could be, went in search of Hellboy. She found him cleaning The Samaritan next to Abe's library water tank. Hellboy had been listening as Abe read aloud Douglas Adam's _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_. It was a scene that Joan wouldn't normally break up, but a two ton feline was shedding all over her favorite jersey sheets.

"One of your cats is loose and has decided to take up residence on my bed"

"Which one?"

"The baby tiger that sounds like a kitten"

"Peaches has adopted you, huh?" Hellboy didn't seem as upset as Joan had hoped he'd be. She had been counting on him to swoop in and save his baby from her evil clutches…hold on, _Peaches_?

"You named that massive alley cat _Peaches!_ He looks like he eats small dogs for breakfast!" Both Abe and Hellboy grinned.

"Only the one time with that Chihuahua and some chair upholstery, but I had forgotten to feed him for a few hours"

"He ate a small dog and parts of some furniture after you missed his feeding by a few hours! Quick, when was the last time you fed him!" Hellboy seemed to seriously ponder Joan's question for a moment.

"Couldn't have been more than a few…hey, don't you have that nice, new leather computer chair?" He found himself addressing thin air. His eyes stayed on the door through which she had streaked like a guided missile.

"You're really starting to feel for her, aren't you," Abe asked. Hellboy resumed cleaning the Samaritan by staring down the sights before beginning to oil the massive gun.

"Lay off with the psychic stuff, Blue"

"Don't have to, Red. You're easy"

And just like that, Joan was adopted by the King of Bad Ass Cats, Peaches. Or as she started to call him when she was in a playful mood, Peaches, Despoiler of all Leather Furniture and Bane of Chihuahuas. Sometimes, in quiet moments such as when Peaches was curled up in her lap while she typed her mission reports, Joan realized just how much her personality had changed since the spell had first changed her sex. During her month away from the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense, she/ John hadn't exactly clung to her masculinity, but in comparison to the past three weeks, she could see how she'd mentally resisted the change. With Liz's encouragement, Abe's quiet acceptance, and Hellboy's…well, everything the big red guy did lately spoke directly to Joan's hormones, it seemed…Pushing that thought aside yet again, Joan continued with her original list. With Liz, Abe, and Hellboy each helping her in their own, different ways Joan could grasp just how far she'd come from being a man in a woman's body to being something a bit more balanced. It was like her Yen and her Yang were both working at full, yet equal capacity.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: **So here's another shot of my crazed idea. I don't own the Hellboy characters, but I'm enjoying messing with them. Thank you to those of you who left reviews. Your encouragement is appreciated. On with the show!

**Chapter Two**

Abe watched the invaders prowl through the Professor's library from within his aquatic den. Since he preferred to sleep in darkness, Abe's tank's inner lighting had been turned off when his mind had been roused from its slumber by unfamiliar thought waves entering his territory. To the intruders, it seemed as if the Professor's library had a black mirror lining the wall. To Abe, he had a fish-eye view of the group laying seize to Bureau's bunker. When he first probed the intruders' minds, excitement and gloating dominated their thoughts. As time stretched on, their excitement faded into anxiousness. Something they had been counting on had failed to happen. Their, "Lord and Master," as most had dubbed a shadowy figure that caused great fear and awe in their heads, had promised…what, Abe couldn't sort out as their anxiety grew, but he knew deep in his gut, that whatever it was, it was tied to Hellboy. Precious few things didn't involve the red demon and nothing about this situation hinted otherwise. Abe probed the henchmen one last time, but with no new images he silently propelled himself down his water-filled access tube to see what else he could learn.

The loud knocking on Joan's door brought her out of some of the best sleep she'd had in days. It seemed that the paranormal world had decided to step up the pace and the team had found itself being called out just about everyday for various things. Just last night Joan had accompanied Liz and Hellboy on a goblin hunt in the most unlikely place of an upscale toy store. Joan might never look at teddy bears the same way again after watching an amorous goblin run amok with them. She shivered as she recalled the state of those poor Care Bears.

Since it felt like she'd just crawled into her bed, Joan was not in the best of moods as she hauled herself out of her blanket cocoon. Peaches hissed and having voiced his opinion, hid beneath the bed. The booming knocks hadn't let up, so Joan was pretty sure who was on the other side of the door. If he had a Care Bear with him, Joan was pretty sure that any judge would see her resulting actions as justifiable homicide.

"Godzilla had better be eating the west coast for you to be waking…uh, you're not Hellboy." The stranger grinned, showing lots of pointed teeth. He was humanoid, tall and built like a pro-wrestler; only his skin was a grayish green and scaled like an alligator. Now that her door was open, Joan could hear the sounds of fighting in the corridors. Belatedly, the man-your-stations-we're–under-attack-alarms began to wail.

"Hellboy's probably got his hands full by now and Godzilla's a hero of mine, sweetie," the stranger rasped with a voice that sounded like stone grinding against stone. "As for eating…" he sized up Joan's pajama clad figure and showed his teeth again, "I do like red meat for breakfast…"

Not one to be dinner on the hoof, Joan lashed out with her heel and tried her best to dislocate Gator Guy's right knee. Judging by the train whistle howl that erupted from his mouth, Joan was pretty sure she'd done some damage, but she delayed her victory dance by slamming her door shut and throwing the dead bolt. The reinforced steel door trembled in its frame, but held beneath Gator Guy's enraged pounding. Thanking the genius of whomever Dr. Bruttenholm had chosen to design the Bureau's bunker, Joan pulled on her holstered Glock and her running shoes, and made for the ventilation shaft as she'd been drilled. "Sit. Stay," she ordered to the silent Peaches beneath the bed.

As she pulled of the shaft's screen, Joan could only hope that it too hadn't been compromised. Hope alone wouldn't save her so Joan made sure that she had her gun out and was ready to fire as she began to make her way to the appointed fall back area. Crawling through a dusty crawl space wearing only her pajamas, sneakers, and holster was one hell of a way to start her morning.

**For the first time ever, Liz dreamed of ice. Visions of cold, unrelenting white filled her unconscious mind and she dove deeper into her warm blankets and slumber to enjoy her respite. Sirens wailed and voices shouted, but Liz dreamed on with a smile upon her lips**.

_Something's different_. Hellboy's eyes opened slowly as he tried to figure out what had brought him awake. Soft warmth pressed into Hellboy's chest and a slow hand wandered south of his stomach. For a moment, he allowed himself the fantasy that Joan had finally taken the first step, but Hellboy had never enjoyed the practice of lying to himself. With absent strength, he reached down and locked the intrusive hand with his stone grip. A voice near his ear gasped in delight and the warmth snuggled closer.

"Ooh, Daddy," the voice laughed softly. "I like a man that sleeps in the buff. It makes things that much easier."

"So you always have to surprise men in their beds to get laid? What do you call that? The Desperate Slut Sneak Attack?" _Hellboy Tip #1: To get information fast, get loud, get nasty. _

"You stupid, red son of a…" Hellboy flipped off of his back and pinned the mystery woman beneath him being careful to keep his, uh, unprotected parts out of her reach. _Tip #2: Keep dangly bits out of reach of potentially pissed women. _Having caught both of her hands in his stone fist, Hellboy reached out and switched on his bedside light. They both paused to stare at the horribly tacky plastic Garfield the cartoon cat lamp. Liz and Abe knew their friend a little too well. Shaking himself loose from his embarrassment of having his prized lamp revealed to a stranger, Hellboy finally looked down to see just who had been sent to seduce him. Hmm…maybe lights off seduction had been her best bet. He told her as much and earned himself a death glare…from all eight of her arachnid-like eyes.

"So shall we begin? Who sent you and why?"

"Oh, like I'm going to tell you anything now, Beet boy." She bared her teeth and revealed a nasty set of teeth that brought to mind the reasons why spiders weren't on Hellboy's Few of My Favorite Things list.

"Red like a beet, did it take you all day to come up with that one?" Hellboy quickly jerked his head to the left as a stream of fluid shot from the woman's mouth. A distant sizzling and a whiff of burning metal told of the acid that had just whizzed past Hellboy's face.

"That's some nasty snot you got there. Good distance though. That wall's got to be a good twenty feet away."

"It's my short shot that I'm trying for. Now be good and give Mama Arachnia a kiss." With strength far greater than Hellboy had been prepared for, the spider woman broke his grasp on her hands, bucked her hips setting him off balance enough for her to flip him onto his back. He found himself being straddled with his arms and shoulders pinned by Arachnia's first and second set of arms. The third pair slowly oozed out from within the woman's ribs, revealing just how her extra appendages had remained hidden. She used the third pair to brace herself upon his bare torso as she leaned in closer to his face. The change in positions must have done something for her appetite. Hellboy resisted the urge to grimace as tiny drops of acidic drool slowly smoked and sizzled on his chest. One thing in his favor, his skin was holding up better than the metal wall she'd melted earlier.

"Not feeling so high and mighty now, eh, Beet Boy? My Master said I should play with you all night and I plan on taking my time. I'm going to eat you piece by tiny piece…"

"Oh, goody. I always dreamed of being spider kibble." Hellboy cocked his head to the side as he seemed to consider the monster woman on his chest. "Just curious, but what makes you so sure you're going to have any teeth left to eat me with?"

"Wha..?" All eight of Arachnia's eyes narrowed with suspicion.

"Heads up," Hellboy offered with fake helpfulness. BAM! As if a giant hand had suddenly swatted Arachnia, she sailed across the room and crashed into Hellboy's television wall. Cats, broken electronics, and comic books went flying in all directions, but none of the felines were hurt beyond being wakened from their twelve hour naps.

"What took you so long? Were you waiting to see if she and I could cross breed and have eight-legged, red babies?" Hellboy swung his legs over the bed's side and, totally at ease with his nudity, went over to inspect Arachnia's crumpled form. With casual strength, he picked up the massive barbell that had been used like a modern day cannon ball.

"It would have been an interesting experiment in species cross fertilization, Red, but I think that I'll have to wait a millennia or so before I could stomach watching you get your rocks off," Abe calmly replied. "Nothing personal, Red." Hellboy's gold eyes glinted with humor as he slipped on his favorite pair of black leather pants.

"No offence taken. I'm sure if I'd been faced with watching my best friend spawning, I'd have chunked a barbell too." As suddenly as his humor had emerged, it faded when he finished dressing and stood before his aquatic friend. "What the hell is going on, Blue?"

"That's the million dollar question, Red." Abe's breathing apparatus burbled as he collected his thoughts. "The intruders are here to find something. At first, I thought that something was you, but I probed the spider woman's thoughts as she tried to seduce you and while she was here to keep you busy, you aren't her faction's main goal."

"Could they be after the Spear?" The Bureau housed many powerful relics that agents had freed over the past sixty years including the spear used to pierce the side of Jesus Christ. The Spear brought immortality to its wielder, something several small nations would go to war for.

"None of the invaders have even given the Relic Gallery a second glance. I can't get clear readings on any of them either. Something is fogging their thoughts from me." Hellboy and Abe could think of several options for motivation, but for now, they could only guess.

"Abe, you take your tunnels to the fall back area and make sure that Liz, Joan, and the agents have made it. I'm going to go see if I can stir up a few answers." Hellboy looked around the room for a second. He realized that the huge vault door to his lair was untouched. "Just how did you and spider chick get in here?" Abe smiled at his friend and pointed up. A huge acid burned hole was in the ceiling.

"I got out of my tunnel on the floor above to get my breather kit when I saw the hole over your room." Abe's smile grew wider as Hellboy gave him an Alley-Oop through the hole. "What I want to know is how did you sleep through her burning a hole in your ceiling?" With a low grunt, Hellboy leapt upwards through the hole after his friend.

"It was a long night involving a goblin getting frisky with some stuffed animals. My little trio of hunters was run ragged trying to catch the little bugger and then I had to clean up Liz and Joan puke after they saw what he did to some Care Bears." Abe shot Hellboy a glare as he began to reenter his water tube.

"Don't you even dare send those Care Bears, Red."

"Damn it, don't get psychic on me." Abe continued to glare until Hellboy sighed and shrugged his shoulders. "It would have been funny to watch."

"In the effort of keeping the peace between you and the sole female population of the Bureau, I suggest you forget your plan and focus on routing our invaders."

"Spoil sport." Sharing one last grin, Blue and Red headed out to retake the Bureau.

Joan's knees were killing her, but she kept up her steady pace crawling through the air ducts. If her memory was right, she was over the kitchens by now and she was close to the fall back position. A violent chill shot through her when a low voice crooned to her over the sound of her knees rubbing over metal. _"I can seeeee youuuuu. Little Balanced One…I can seeeee youuuuu…"_

**AN:** I hope you aren't disappointed with my tardy update. Sorry about the formatting, but this was all the Doc manager would do. Sheesh. I'm trying my best and that's all I can do. Thanks for reading and I'll try to update again soon. Happy Days!


	3. Chapter 3

**AN:** Wow. I received an out-of-the-blue review for this story and it made me wonder why I never added to my two original chapters. I was baffled until I looked at the date of my last update. Not long after I uploaded chapter two, I was accepted into graduate school and have been dashing around like a chicken sans her head ever since. My apologies for leaving the story with such a cliffhanger, I was otherwise occupied. Still being in school, I cannot promise that my next updates will be very speedy, but I will try not to just leave folks hanging. Anyway, on with the next installment.

**Chapter Three**

The life of a soon-to-be-god could be so complicated at times. In all of the manuscripts never once did one read of a god's assent to power going smoothly. When Zeus gathered the other gods and goddesses to overthrow the Titans, placing himself as the supreme deity of Mount Olympus, never was the act described as, 'peaceful,' or 'boring.' No, when a god ascended there was fire and blood and chaos and…not this much bloody _silence._ Since a loyal servant had cut the alarm system and the silly B.P.R.D agents had locked themselves into the equivalent of Fort Knox (Who puts a bunker inside of a bunker, for hell's sake?) the underground facility was almost tranquil. And for Noah, the next god of Chaos, this was an unnatural state of things. After all of the hype, Noah had at least expect an explosion or two from the infamous Hellboy despite Arachnia's assurances that she would keep the red demon, 'occupied,' for hours. This quiet was beginning to grate on Noah's nerves. From the way his underlings were beginning to shuffle about and from time to time glance furtively over their shoulders at their Lord and Master, they too felt that something was amiss. Finally, Noah sighed and snapped his fingers. Immediately all of his minions snapped to quivering attention. Noah made eye contact with his second-in-command Lot, who as usual read the command from Noah's mind. In a booming voice, the commander turned and delivered his Master's orders. "Go forth, those-who-in-service-to-their-god-will-be-spared-the-Great-Deluge, and aid Drake in his retrieval of the Balanced One." Well trained, the minions disappeared into the bunker's depths to locate the dragon man.

Alone now, Noah turned to Lot and spoke with a heavy Southern drawl. "Those-in-service-to-their-god…? Where do you get this long winded drivel?" (Though when the mini-god spoke it sounded more like Scarlet O'Hare addressing Rhett Butler.)

"It's better to impress them than to let them know that the plan isn't going off like clockwork, sir," Lot replied. Lot's voice never held any sarcasm or disrespect, but Noah was never sure if his second-in-command wasn't the sneakiest smart-ass in the world. Ah, well. It was best to not be distracted. Noah mentally shrugged and refocused on why he had entered one of the most dangerous strong holds in the supernatural world: The Lair of Hellboy. Only one thing could have enticed Noah out of his private kingdom and that one thing was the one thing that his massive wealth could not bring him: his godhood. In order for Noah to attain supreme power, he required the Balanced One…who was supposed to have been captured by now. Noah sighed and glanced at his Rolex. Ten minutes had passed and no word from Drake or the underlings. Damn it. Noah looked towards Lot who had already anticipated his Master's desires and was already holding his massive basket. "Let's go," Noah commanded and striding purposefully on the rose petals his second-in-command littered on his path, he went off in search of the being named John/Joan.

**In a ventilation shaft somewhere…**

Joan was pretty sure that the alligator man couldn't fit into the duct without a gallon of lard and a crowbar, but when his eerily low voice began echoing through the ventilation shaft she felt her muscles tighten up another notch towards panic. Deciding she'd rather not risk firing off a shot and probably killing herself with the ricochet, she holstered her Glock and crawled faster. With her knees screaming from the abuse, she thought of what Hellboy would be saying to her if he could see her in her dusty pajamas, wearing her worn out running shoes and her leather shoulder holster, and silently cursing up a blue streak as she crawled on her increasingly disgruntled knees. He'd probably be cracking jokes about how she shouldn't complain; at least she wasn't a goblin's stuffed concubine like those poor Care Bears from last night. Ugh. Mental pictures of a goblin with knowledge of the Kama Sutra getting frisky in a toy store would make anyone sick…Joan mentally shook herself, but as she hustled closer to her goal memories of Hellboy's laughing gold eyes made her less afraid of what could be waiting for her at the end of her journey.

**In one of the many long hallways within the B.P.R.D…**

Hellboy turned the corner and ran smack into a group of darkly clad, heavily armed men, two of which went flying about twenty feet backwards after slamming into Hellboy's chest. For a moment the men stared at Hellboy with complete amazement, giving Hellboy just enough time to size them up from their para-military outfits to the painful looking symbols that had been branded to their foreheads. "Great," the demon said in a put upon voice. "Just what I need…fanatics." And on that note, the heavily armed men opened fire and Hellboy bolted.

**AN:** So it's another tiny cliffhanger, but I hope it isn't that bad. Until next time!


	4. Chapter 4

**AN:** Thank you so much for the warm reviews. I honestly thought that this story had been forgotten.

**Chapter Four**

"Agent J?" Joan ignored the nickname that the younger agents had given her in honor of their favorite character from the _Men in Black_ movies. Now was not the time to go into the differences between her and a Will Smith character. Besides, she totally wanted to be like Agent K. One of the young men gave her a hand out of the shaft while the other guarded her back with his drawn service piece. Joan was pretty sure that nothing followed her, but here in the B.P.R.D. it was a good idea to expect the unexpected. Joan nodded towards Dr. Manning and Agent Clay, who were busily planning tactics to gather intelligence on the invaders, while she made her way through the crowd of agents and staff to the emergency lockers. She found the one with her name on it and smiled when she opened the door. The locker held emergency rations, a medical kit, an extra handgun with ammo, light body armor in the form of a bullet proof vest, and a change of clothes. With a quick glance at the water tube running overhead, Joan headed to a quiet spot to suit up.

**In another part of the bunker…**

Quietly, Abe slipped from the hallway into Liz's room. The door should have been locked, so Abe's tension slipped a little higher. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the murky gloom, but aside from himself and the lump on the bed that was quietly humming with Liz brainwaves, the room was empty.

"Liz? Wake up, Sparky." Abe carefully placed his hand on his friend's temple and found himself absorbed into a stark white landscape of crystalline cold. Oblivious to his intrusion into her dreamscape, a little girl version of Liz danced in the whirling snow.

_The fire's gone,_

_I am so wonderfully cold._

_I hope I die before I get old._

Despite the seriousness of the situation, Abe found himself smiling at Liz's inner child's singing. He was pretty sure that she'd stolen a line from an old Billy Joel tune, but he wasn't completely sure. He shook himself from his wandering thoughts. Even if whoever had placed Liz in this cold dream hadn't harmed her yet, Abe was certain that no one would allow someone with Liz's power to remain uncontrolled. Either they would make Liz their slave or they would kill her.

"Liz?" The little girl gasped and turned to face the fish man. For a moment she looked frightened and then her memories began to slowly surface.

"Abe," she asked in a small voice. Something like pain crossed the child's face. "This isn't real is it?" Slowly the face and body changed and matured as Liz began to take back control of her mind. A cold wind howled and the temperature dropped to the point where frost began to form on Abe's breathing apparatus.

"I'm sorry, Liz. I know how much you wanted the fire to be gone."

"Yes…and no." The change from little girl to young woman was complete, but the cold remained. "It was a nice change, but I'm okay with what I am." Liz stepped closer to her long-time friend. "Just one thing…there's something I need to do before the heat returns." For the first time in Abe's long life, he was caught completely off guard as Liz leaned in and captured his mouth with her own. Warmth like swimming in a tropical sea washed over Abe and for a moment the wind died and the snow stopped swirling around them. Liz suddenly stepped back and grinned at the dazed look on Abe's face. Heat poured off of the fire starter as her powers returned. Snow melted and the air around her glowed red orange.

"Just my luck, I guess. I could have had a fire-proof boyfriend, but I had to fall for a guy who would fry if we did anything truly serious…" Abe caught the hint of despair beneath Liz's light banter. Something broke inside of him and he reached out with his power to hold Liz. Her glowing power dimmed.

"Have you forgotten where we are?"

"Last time I checked, we were inside a dream prison, Blue Boy." Abe grinned as Liz failed to catch on.

"And just what do you think a telepath can do with a dream, Liz?" It was Liz's turn to be caught off guard as Abe pulled her to him and returned her kiss with interest. Both were breathing heavily when they pulled back enough to speak without breaking their embrace.

"So as long as we're dreaming…?"

"After we get this crisis cleared up, you and I are going to catch some serious Z's together." Abe watched as the same look of happiness that little girl Liz had worn spread over the mature version's face. His heart fluttered with the same feelings.

"So what are we waiting for? Let's go bail Hellboy out of whatever trouble he's made and get this wrapped up. I'm suddenly aching for a good night's sleep." Hand in hand, Abe and Liz walked free of the snow that had tried to imprison them.

**Elsewhere…**

Lot heard the dream crystal break, but he did not pause in his petal throwing for his Master. Noah would learn soon enough that the fire starter had escaped…

**AN: **I hope this chapter wasn't too gooey for you all. I felt kind of bad that two of the team members seemed to be perpetually lonely. Guess I'm a matchmaker at heart. Until the next installment!


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: **I want to thank everyone who has left such wonderful reviews. I am so glad that you all like my version of the Hellboy universe.

**Chapter 5**

Abe and Liz carefully stalked down one of the darkened Bureau corridors. With Abe's telepathy still being semi-blocked by one of the intruders' unknown powers his range was limited to about a radius of ten feet. Liz kept her fires in check because they weren't sure if the sprinkler system Dr. Manning had installed was still active. A wet distraction might be useful, but they decided to keep that ace up their sleeve for the moment. Abe turned and pulled Liz into a crouch a few seconds before she heard the sounds of running feet from the intersecting corridor up ahead.

"Red?" Abe asked in a wondering voice. Sure enough, Liz and her blue partner watched in amazement as Hellboy bounded through the corridor ahead while a crowd of henchmen gave chase. Considering the large blades the henchmen were wielding, Liz was a bit puzzled by the massive grin she glimpsed on the red demon's face as he flashed past.

"Is it just me or does he look like he's having a great time?" Abe closed his eyes, either to gather his thoughts or wonder at his friend's joyful insanity, but a moment later he opened them.

"We were too far away, but I managed to pick up a flash of him breaking their guns and then daring them with all of the audacity of a ten year old to try to catch him. He's leading them towards the armory, so I think they've got a nasty surprise waiting for them at the end of that chase." Both Liz and Abe pictured the cartoon turn around the henchmen were going to make when they found a Samaritan-armed Hellboy waiting for them.

"I'd love to be a fly on that wall."

"Five will get you ten that one of them needs fresh pants…" Chuckling, the two agents continued to carefully head for their rendezvous point with the rest of the Bureau. By now, Joan, Dr. Manning, Agent Clay, and the other senior agents were probably ready to initiate one of the many attack scenarios that had been planned for since the Bureau had first been established.

"Hellboy was actually having fun, Abe."

"I think Joan has something to do with that. For years, this has been a job, a duty that he felt he had to do because of his love for his father. Seeing Joan's reactions, her fresh take on things, has made Red view his work in a new light. Work is suddenly fun for him." Abe reached back and gave Liz's hand a light squeeze. "Having a true partner to share with makes a lot of things feel lighter."

"Smooth, Blue. Real smooth," but Liz grinned and squeezed Abe's hand back as they headed deeper into the heart of the Bureau. Suddenly a familiar scent tickled her nose. "Do you smell roses?" A fresh carpet of deep red rose petals crossed the hall before them and trailed off in the direction of the rendezvous point. A tingling awareness swept through Liz as she watched her partner cautiously extend his fingers to touch one of the blood colored petals. Because their hands were still linked, Liz was pulled into the vision that had been dormant until Abe's psychometric power unleashed it.

_**Flood. Destruction. The Eighth God of Chaos. Noah. Lot. Treachery. The Balanced One. Flashing Eyes of Blue. Death. **_

Abe wrenched his hand away from the corrupted rose petal and his efforts sent himself and Liz crashing into a wall. They slumped there, gasping for breath and shivering in silence for several minutes, too overwhelmed to move.

**Bounding Down a Corridor…**

Hellboy glanced over his shoulder and saw that his admirers had fallen even further behind to the point where he could only barely hear them. He thought about slowing down to let them catch up a little, but decided that being armed would eventually prove more useful than tormenting the fanatics. _Hellboy Tip #3: Don't antagonize fanatics…too much._ For a moment he wondered if he should write down his little gems and show them to Joan someday. She'd probably get a kick out of proof reading them…WHAM! Something wide, flat, and solid sent Hellboy flying backwards, to land sprawling on his back about fifty feet from where he started. His horns had save his nose from being broken again, but little black spots danced in front of his eyes for a moment or two. A deep voice that sounded like someone was speaking with rocks in his throat came from somewhere beyond Hellboy's feet.

"The great Hellboy's not too tough to take a sucker punch, huh? I expected better from the slayer of Mandor." As Hellboy stood and began to work the kinks out of his neck, he eyed the owner of the stone on stone voice. A little taller than he was and he resembled Killer Croc from the old Batman animated series except his teeth were a whole lot sharper and, from the way the reptile man was limping, sporting a busted right knee.

"What happened to you? Did you ignore the Wet Floor sign and run in the halls?" A look of such fury crossed the reptile man's features that Hellboy was sure that the story behind that busted knee was a good one. Maybe the security cameras were still working and he'd be able to catch it on tape later.

"Worthless dog. The demon who fails his life's mission has no place to ridicule the servant of a god. I am Drake Dragon-Spawn and I will feast upon your bones." And with that little introduction, the man launched himself at Hellboy, effortlessly wielding the same massive metal door he had previously tried to plant in Hellboy's face. Hellboy dodged the blow and rolled to stand behind Drake. His massive stone right hand landed a solid kidney punch that staggered the reptile man and sent the metal door clanging to the floor. A second blow from his stone fist sent Drake to one knee, but the Dragon-Spawn managed to roll away before further damage could be made.

"Is this a private party or can anyone join in?" Hellboy looked up in time to dodge a wad of Arachnia acid spit, but Drake's bum knee made him a little slower so he screamed as his arm smoked and sizzled from the few drops that managed to splash him.

"Damn it, Arachnia, learn to aim!"

"What makes you think I didn't, honey?" Hellboy and Drake both paused to gape as Arachnia's appearance sank in. Two of her front fangs were missing, leaving only bloody holes in her mouth and four out of her eight eyes were swollen shut with massive bruises. No wonder her aim was off, the spider woman was half blind.

"Round two, Beet Boy." All three sets of Arachnia's arms slowly extended from her body and each extended dull red blades where her fingertips used to be. "Let's see how much you like Mama Arachnia now." Blades slashed the air and Hellboy danced so that both of his opponents were in front of him. A pissed blade-armed, acid spitting, half-blind spider woman on his left and an alligator/dragon man with a bum knee on his right. From the sound of it, the black garbed henchmen were going to be here any moment too.

"Gee whiz. Two against one. It must be my lucky day…" but Hellboy was grinning anyway.

**AN:** Good Grief, I did it again. You'd think that the way I dislike cliffhangers, I wouldn't use them so much in my own writing. What can I say? Until next time!


	6. Chapter 6

**AN:** On with the story!

**Chapter 6**

Joan was ready to take another trip through the ventilation ducts, naked and blind-folded, _anything_ besides waiting. Ten minutes ago, a brief radio message had flared to life adding a whole new layer to this situation. The clean up crew, a whole section of B.P.R.D. agents who had stayed out to pick up the pieces of the toy store Liz, herself and Hellboy had trashed trying to squish the, "pimp imp," had radioed that they were working to reclaim the main entrance. Apparently the intruders were using Uzis and hand grenades to keep control of the waste management building that stood as watchdog for the B.P.R.D.

"Keep 'em distracted," Agent Clay had ordered. "We'll start sending non-essential groups out of the Tango and Cash routes. Have someone meet them and take them to the safe houses. This is a situation Orange. I repeat, situation Orange." After that, the scientists and clerical assistants had steadily been jettisoned out the escape tunnels. Joan was glad that she hadn't been forced to ride either the jet tube, where people were basically shot out of an air-cannon into a secluded pond, or the older escape route, the rail cars. As part of training, all personnel had to drill using the various modes of escape. Joan wasn't claustrophobic, but the railcars definitely made her consider becoming one. With the air-cannon, there was really no time to dwell on the fact that one was being fired from the oversized equivalent of a child's air rifle, but with the railcars one had to lie pressed to a small platform with roughly four inches clearance inside an old mine shaft while one prayed that the rickety contraption would get you out before you started screaming. Dr. Manning turned a little pale when it was his turn to lie down on a rail car, but as acting head of the B.P.R.D. Agent Clay wasn't giving him the option of staying. With Dr. Manning gone, authority fell to the most senior agent (Clay) or Hellboy. Abe, Liz, and a surprising amount of the seasoned agents had gone on strike until Dr. Manning had agreed to put Hellboy into the organization's chain of command. (John at the time had agreed with them, but didn't strike because no one would have been left to feed Hellboy…) At the risk of losing the country's only defense against the things that go bump in the night, Manning had caved with all the grace he possessed. Even Hellboy had commented on Manning's colorful vocabulary when he announced the new power structure. 'The man could make seventh level pit demons blush with shame.' Joan (John then) had laughed at the admiration in Hellboy's voice.

"Hellboy…" The usual rush of warmth that came when she said his name was there, but a new flutter of anxiety was tangled up with it. She knew that he was capable of taking care of himself, but…an emotion that she normally tried to ignore whispered to her and sharpened her fear of the unknown. Joan shook her head and refocused on her assignment. As soon as the last of the civilians were out, she was going to take point on one of the sweep groups that were going to slowly fan out to retake the bunker. Her group would take the quadrant that housed the agents' barracks and recreation facility.

It took a moment for the silence to register. When it did, Joan raised her head to look at the other agents. Everyone had stopped talking and had turned to face the heavily bolted door. Joan realized that everyone, from the remaining civilians to Clay himself, was wearing the same expression upon their faces: adoration.

At the door, someone knocked, oh-so-politely…and an agent joyfully went to answer.

**Between a Rock and a Hard Place…**

Hellboy dodged left then right as two of Arachnia's blades slashed the air where his head had been moments before. Her eyes sight may have been halved, but she was certainly giving the good college try to decapitate the red demon. Drake lunged and tried to bite Hellboy's tail, but instead found the red appendage wrapped around his neck. Hellboy's tail, and a well placed boot to the ass, encouraged Drake's forward momentum to the point where the Dragon-Spawn went flying headfirst into Arachnia's slashing blades. Drake tried to stop, but his bad knee failed him completely. Hellboy heard them both scream and smelled the stench of acid and blood rise from their direction, but he had spun to face the reinforcements that had just arrived. Unfortunately, they weren't Hellboy's reinforcements, but the black clad fanatics that had finally caught up. They formed a ragged half circle with their knives in hand.

"I have to say," Hellboy nodded his head wisely, "you guys are dedicated." Caught off guard by the praise from an enemy, the winded men (they had run for miles it seemed to them…) perked up a bit. Their chins raised and their postures straightened.

"We serve our Lord and Master Noah with all of our…" The sentence was cut off by a wide arched Three Stooges-like slap that caught all nine men's heads with the force of a pile driver.

"Dedicated…but not too bright," Hellboy added dryly as he watched the fanatics crumple. Once again having a massive stone right hand proves useful. "Stooge-slapping minions, cracking open walnuts, the list goes on…" The red demon slowly turned to face the puddle that was forming behind him. As he watched, the two corpses of Drake and Arachnia locked in an eternal embrace began to sink through the metallic floor. In her effort to avoid slashing Drake, one of Arachnia's blades had been pinned between their bodies when the dragon man had crashed into her. Skewered by her blade, Arachnia's acid had gushed forth and coated Drake. There was little left that would allow an outsider to tell that there was ever more than one person now. Words of mercy would be hypocritical, but silence for the fallen was rarely out of place. Hellboy watched in silence as the puddle finally sank from sight and then turned to head for the armory. He had a Samaritan waiting and somewhere out there was a Lord and Master who needed a swift kick in the ass.

**AN:** Thank you all for the feedback. My semester starts up next week, but I will do my best to get more chapters out soon. Happy Days!


	7. Chapter 7

**AN:** Commercial break over, back to our story…I apologize for the long break, but school has been especially demanding as of late. I graduate next spring, so things have been getting intense as I line my ducks up. Here is a thank you to a certain reviewer who has been politely prodding me (with a fork) to finish what I've started. Come hell or high water, this story will make it to the end!

**Chapter 7**

"My, oh my, the legends didn't do you justice, my dear. I would have never guessed that the Balanced One would have skin like a magnolia blossom." Despite the fact that Joan should have been focusing on the way the man before her had complete mind control of all of the agents in the room, her brain flashed on the image of Colonel Sanders of Kentucky Fried Chicken fame, the biggest Southern gentleman stereotype in the world. When the henchman on the other side of the room gave a snort of laughter and tried to pass it off as a cough, she revised her assumption on who had the mind powers in the room. _Though he could be gagging on the blossom line instead of reading my thoughts…_If she hadn't been watching, Joan would have missed the henchman's slow wink. Before she could process what she had seen, Colonel Sanders managed to place her hand on his arm and in a gentlemanly fashion, began to lead her from the room.

"You'll make a lovely vessel, my dear, truly lovely."

**Elsewhere…**

"Damn, the flower petals are gone!" Liz and Abe screeched to a halt somewhere in the vicinity of the sacred items vaults. Indeed, the deep red petals they had been following had petered out and ended with an abandoned wicker basket of massive proportions.

"They must have run out of petals after that last wrong turn." The petal trail had twisted and turned down the corridors leading Abe and Liz to guess that either the bad guys enjoyed brisk exercise or they had forgotten how to read a map. A single thought whispered in the back of Liz's mind. It almost looked like someone was stalling for time…Abe was already reaching for the fallen basket when Liz placed her hand on his shoulder.

"You're not doing this alone." Abe did not smile, but his eyes warmed and he nodded as he grasped Liz's hand. Two minds reached into the object's recent history…When they resurfaced, Liz had a mixture of grim determination and anger in her expression. "Joan has been bait from the beginning. I'm going to burn every hair from that man's body, one follicle at a time." Abe managed to grin despite the troubling information they'd just extracted from the innocent looking basket.

"I'll douse him in rubbing alcohol afterwards for that extra special burning sensation, but for now, we've got to get ahead of these guys." Abe studied one of the vaulted doors for a moment. "If someone needed to, eh, _deflower_ a virgin sacrifice in the flashiest way possible, where would one go?" Liz managed to not smile at Abe's choice of words.

"He needs it to happen soon, so he'll do it somewhere in the Bureau." Liz paced for a second. "What's the closest thing that we have to a temple around here?"

"What are some 'temple' traits? They're big, there's an altar, people go there regularly to worship, and power collects there." Their eyes locked as the same thought exploded in their minds.

"A gym..."

**On the Flip Side…**

Unsure of what kind of baddie this 'Lord and Master' was going to turn out to be, Hellboy decided to load the Samaritan with one of his Zen pizza (one-with-everything) bullets. There were enough bits of truly 'holy' things in these bullets that most lower-level demons turned into ash within minutes of being shot. Hellboy doubted that the Lord and Master would be a one shot kill, but stranger things had happened. Take Joan, for instance…he felt a small thrill at the phrase, 'take Joan.' When this situation was finally cleaned up, he was going to have to some serious thinking about his tactics to make Joan wake up to the chemistry that was growing between them. There were days when he felt like he could climb the walls from sheer frustration and then there were days when life was just…awesome. Yup, he and Joan were due for a talk when this was finally over and done with. Hellboy shook his head at his optimism. "Sure, just kick the power hungry bad guy's ass and then I'll suddenly have the right words to say to Joan." He shook his head and began to head for the likeliest place power hungry bad guys would head. A scream of pain-induced fear ripped the silence of the bunker's halls and Hellboy felt his guts tighten. _Joan was still in the bunker..!_

**The Gymnasium…**

Joan gripped her arm where Noah's cane had landed with vicious accuracy. She'd screamed more from the shock of being hit than from the damage the blow had brought. The bone wasn't broken, but from the feel of it, her arm was going to have one hell of a bruise. Dragging her mind back to the situation, Joan looked up at Noah, the so-called ascending seventh (or was it eighth?) god of Chaos.

"I'm sorry for the violence, my dear, but I couldn't let you get away with trying to take poor Lot's sidearm. Not that he, eh, I couldn't have stopped you with a thought, but I do so love the physical side of things. When you've brought me to my full godhood, my days will be so full with smiting and damning the light to hell, I won't have to time to savor the simple pleasures in life."

"Being a sadistic creep with a cane is one of life's simple pleasures?" Joan gave her best Hellboy shoulder roll. "Martha Stewart meets Marilyn Manson. Nice."

The smile that crossed Noah's face made Joan's innards turn to ice. When he stepped forward, she immediately backed up until gym's juice bar stopped her retreat. "Oh, you are about to find out just how _nice_ I can be. Now do Noah a favor and hop up there on that 'altar'. Oh, and take your pants off before you do it."

**AN: **I know, I know. Long wait and then a short chapter equals bad karma for the author. I'm going to do my best to get this story finished before I graduate. Until next time!


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: **Wow, times flies crazy fast when you aren't paying attention. I finally graduated from grad school and I've been job hunting ever since. Sorry for the lengthy delay. It took watching _Hellboy II: the Golden Army_ to get my mind back on track. The lack of John Meyers made my insides go cold, so here I am trying to warm back up.

**Chapter 8**

"I'm gonna be sick." Abe paused for moment to watch as Liz fought her dry heaves. She waved to him over her shoulder as he continued to pack their, "distraction." When Liz had seen the components Abe had gathered from Hellboy's room, she'd gone pale, but kept her nerve. Now, as Abe stuffed the star of their plan into Hellboy's duffel bag, Liz shook her head ruefully. "Remind me to flame his ass for this afterwards."

"Even better," Abe's mouth formed his version of a grin, "we'll let Joan deal with him." Liz grinned to show her approval and then the seriousness of their situation leeched the brief humor from their faces.

"Let's go save Joan."

* * *

**The Temple of Vanity a.k.a. the gym…**

"That's right, my dear, hop up like a good vessel…" Noah, the southern born psychopath, allowed a grin to spread across his face as his prisoner seemed to comply with his instructions. "Such garments, Balanced One. Who'd have thought that the sacred vessel would prefer leopard print thongs…?"

For a moment, Joan felt as if she'd stepped into the Twilight Zone. One minute Colonel Nut-job had been focusing his terrifying gaze upon her, demanding that she strip and, so she assumed, prepare her for a ritualistic rape. The next, he was talking to air beside her like his mind had finally cracked. Leopard skin thongs? What the hell…_his mind._ The truth slammed home like a skydiving elephant and Joan looked to the only person with the power to control another's thoughts. Across the room, Lot focused all of his being on controlling Noah. Joan could see the sweat beginning to form on the strange man's face and she knew that it was taking everything he had to control the man who claimed to be the eighth god of chaos. Time was running out.

* * *

"My dear, the Brazilian wax was a nice touch…" The vessel smiled beguilingly as Noah freed himself from his trousers. It was nice to see that she was taking this so well. Ascension to godhood with a willing sacrifice will be so pleasant…_Wait. Pleasant?_ Noah shook his head to clear his thoughts. No, this wasn't right. The Ascension had to be filled with blood and pain to forever spoil the perfection of the Balanced One…such twisting of power was needed to fuel the change from mortal to god. _But it could be so pleasant…_came an alien thought. Noah finally recognized what was happening to him. The pure rage that came boiling up from the depths of his blacken soul shattered the bonds that had held his mind in check.

"BETRAYER…!"

* * *

Joan leapt behind a giant pile of gymnastic mats as several things happened simultaneously. The far wall of the gym imploded as Hellboy made his usual spectacular entrance, waves of crimson power exploded from Noah as he broke from Lot's control and leapt towards his betrayer, and the front entrance of the gym melted to reveal Abe holding a struggling duffel bag and Liz carrying armful of something very (hurp!) familiar. Abe waved his palm to scan the room and locked eyes with Joan. She got his message and pulled one of the mats over herself. The proverbial shit was hitting the fan.

Living for over three millennia would usually prepare one for life's surprises. Having experienced the fall of several civilizations, witnessed countless battles for freedom, and finally finishing a Rubik's Cube without having to remove the stickers, Lot was caught flat footed for the first time in a long time. He felt the instant Noah broke the mental prison Lot had placed him in, and when the thwarted villain unleashed his raw power and leapt across the room with death in his eyes, Lot was prepared to be torn limb from limb. In less than an instant, Noah landed and Lot felt his upper body being crushed by the rage filled being's glowing hands. Lot felt things snap and had the presence of mind to identify his ribs caving in.

"Betrayer," growled a voice that brought to mind broken bodies and heat warped steel. Gone was the Colonel Sanders accent. Noah was letting his true self out. "You will wish for death a thousand times before I am through with you."

_Fwoomp!_

Both Noah and Lot blinked and focused on the soft, purple thing that had just smacked Noah directly in the face. _Fwoomp! Fwoomp! Fwoomp! Fwoomp!_ More objects flew out of nowhere. Lot's mind swam up out of the pain wracking his body and tried to label one of the rainbow colored objects that Noah held between two fingers. _Sh…are Bears? No…_

"_Caaaaaaare Beaaaaaaars!!_" Lot screamed in agony as he was unceremoniously dropped on his crushed ribs. A goblin the size of a small ape had latched onto Noah's head and was gibbering away like an enraged chimpanzee. Noah swatted ineffectually as the creature tried to pull the want-to-be chaos god's eyelids away from his face. The fact that the naked goblin was also in a raging state of arousal was not helping matters either. If it didn't feel like he was rolling on ground glass while he tried to pull himself across the floor, Lot may have been inclined to laugh.

Noah caught the pathetic creature attached to his face by its hind leg and hurled the gibbering thing towards the nearest wall. The thing hit hard enough to crack the drywall, but it immediately bounced up and began to…molest…one of the stuffed toys that littered the floor. Noah was vaguely impressed before his rage returned and he remembered his need to destroy his former second-in-command.

"Hey! Lord and Master!" Out of conditioned response, Noah turned. He had a moment to contemplate the red demon before his head was explosively parted from the rest of his body. All watched as the body fell to the floor and bled out viscous, black sludge.

"Damn." Hellboy looked to the broken man who spoke from the floor. "If I'd known that all it took was a horny goblin and a hand canon, I'd have put that sumbitch away a long time ago."

* * *

**One week later…**

Hellboy sipped his beer as let the shower's hot water sluice down his body. It had been seven days since the attack on the B.P.R.D. and things were finally starting to settle down. The first two days had been dedicated to securing the premises and preparing the funereal arrangements for the few agents that had fallen to Noah's followers surprise attack. Once Manning got over the amount of damage the bunker had sustained, ("_How in the hell did we get an eight foot wide acid burn through four of the sublevels?!_" Manning had asked hysterically.), things had been repaired in record time. Lot had been moved out of the intensive care unit and was now undergoing debriefing in the medical ward. Not only was Lot able to shed light on why Joan had been targeted (who'd have guessed that Joan was the first successful male to female conversion in over three millennia.), but the ancient man was able to give all the dirt on evil that had gone on since his escape from Sodom. Apparently Noah had crossed paths with Lot a few decades ago and Lot had decided to keep Noah in check with his mind power until the creation of the Balanced One had rendered Lot's abilities incapable of keeping the obsessed Noah tamed. Lot's knowledge was going to send the bureau's historians into happy spasms for a long time.

Hellboy grunted as the hot water began to turn cold. He shut off the water and reached for his favorite Garfield towel. Abe and Liz had slept for about 48 hours straight after the funerals and Hellboy had a deep suspicion that more than dreams of sugarplums were dancing in their heads. Judging by the goofy grins they both wore when they surfaced for food; Hellboy figured that Liz and Joan were going to be working on the first Fire and Water themed wedding known to man. _Joan._

Blinking his golden eyes wearily, Hellboy busied himself with rubbing the water off of his body. After the first rush of are-you-okay-we-survived-an-invasion afterglow, Joan had disappeared into the work of repairing the bunker. There had been a moment when his eyes had locked with hers and he'd _known_ that she had broken through whatever had been holding her back from feeling more than friendship for him, but Manning had appeared and whisked Joan away to deal with paperwork. Some newbie had been assigned to food delivery for Hellboy until Joan was freed from whatever Manning had her doing. He'd caught glimpses of Joan as she was directing repairmen about the place, but aside from waving, she'd been unable to converse with her red demon friend for the past week.

"Damn it." Hellboy finished drying off, flipped some switches, called goodnight to his cats, and climbed into bed naked. Just remembering the look in Joan's blue eyes when she realized that he'd come out of the Noah incident unscathed caused his blood to heat. He was on the edge of sleep when he made the decision to hunt Joan the next morning. _Loving someone made things so freaking complicated…_was his last thought as sleep finally claimed him.

* * *

_Something's different_. Hellboy's eyes opened slowly as he tried to figure out what had brought him awake. Soft warmth pressed into Hellboy's chest and a slow hand wandered south of his stomach. A weird feeling of déjà vu enveloped the red demon until the softest of kisses on his lips sent such a warm rush delight to his brain that he felt as if someone had lit a candle inside of him. He felt the sweet weight pressed to his chest shift and his prized lamp softly glowed to life.

"Hey there, stranger," Joan spoke in a soft voice. Red glowed against alabaster as Hellboy cupped Joan's face with his left hand. His face was curious and hopeful as he looked deeply into her shadowed azure eyes.

"Is this a way of telling me you're officially back on breakfast duty," he half whispered. Joan chuckled and kissed the palm that cupped her face.

"Well, yes," she grinned. "There's that too, but I usually wear more than _this_," she shimmied deliciously across Hellboy's broad chest, "for announcements of business nature." Hellboy's eyes had nearly rolled into the back of his head when Joan had moved over him. Good grief, his toes had curled. He saw the wicked gleam in his love's eyes when he had recovered enough to continue the bantering.

"So what kind of announcement requires _this_ kind of attire or lack thereof?" The demon did a bit of moving that caused Joan's breath to catch in her throat. Another light-as-air kiss landed and Joan seemed to gather herself.

"Man or woman, whatever shape or form I may take in the future, one thing will remain constant. My name starts with a J, and I will love you with all that I am." Joan ducked her head as if embarrassed. "That sounded better when I practiced in the…" Her voice was cut off as Hellboy's lips captured her own. Heat rose and skin slid like silk against Hellboy's sheets. They both gasped when lack of air forced them to surface from their kiss.

"John or Joan, I can honestly say," his stone hand gently tucked a strand of brunette hair behind a delicate ear," I can't remember when I realized that I loved you. If you had never been changed, I think our road would have been a rougher one, but we'd have eventually wound up here. Together. In love." Joan's eyes sparkled with happy tears and then Hellboy began the process of drying her eyes with kisses. Kisses led to touches and touches led to…well. The next want-to-be-god would have to look elsewhere for a virgin sacrifice…

* * *

**Later…**

"Joan?"

"Mmmm?"

"How did you get in here without using the vault door?" Joan softly chuckled against her lover's chest.

"Arachnia's hole." Hellboy grinned and peered into the dark to see the hole he had believed to have been repaired days earlier. Sure enough, there was a rope dangling from what appeared to be a well camouflaged hatch.

"You had the repairmen make it a legitimate bolt hole." Hellboy's voice was full of admiration.

"Will you mind if I drop in now and again," she teased.

"Darlin', consider it a one way trip. I've finally got you where I want you and you're mine to keep."

"I think I can deal with that." Love and magic swirled through the room and the two lovers slept.

**The End.**

**(For Now)**

* * *

**AN:** I apologize for such a long wait. I hope the ending felt true to the story. I started this story two years ago and it has finally drawn to a conclusion. Thank you for coming along for the read.


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